Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Brock Lesnar-Sable Sex Tape

* Credit for Sable (Rena Mero Lesnar) pictures used in this piece go to the Ottawa Sun, via SLAM! Sports.

First McMahon Million Dollar Mania Winners Announced

Somewhere, Vince McMahon must be laughing.

That's because his secret agent Brock Lesnar beat the crap out of Frank Mir at UFC 100, securing a sinister foothold for McMahon in the WWE.

Lesnar's post-fight celebration and interview with Joe Rogan was pure WWE. The monster taunted a battered Mir who could barely stand straight and gave the booing crowd two middle fingers. Cameras caught him foaming venom at the mouth like a satisfied werewolf that had just devoured its prey.

Brock Lesnar then proceeded with some immortal lines :

"Frank Mir had a horseshoe up his ass, I told him that a year ago. I pulled that son of a b***h out and beat him over the head with it."

The Evil Empire is officially upon us. If sports fans hated the Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, Cowboys, Miami Hurricanes, Shaq or Kobe, they've seen nothing yet. At least in front of the cameras, Brock Lesnar is the grumpiest trash-talking, inhumane, arrogant son of a b***h alive.

Lesnar is the sports world's Satanic villain and makes Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco look like saints in comparison. Off the top of my head, I can think of only Pacman Jones who has rubbed fans the wrong way more than Lesnar has.

However, I thank Brock Lesnar. Due to his ability to play the role of supervillain to perfection, the UFC is that much more fun to follow. He makes me want to rewatch all the Star Wars movies that I've seen and watch all the ones I haven't because this emerging force is not only massive, but dark.

UFC 100 - Frank Mir v Brock Lesnar

This dark force has demolished one of MMA's most beloved heroes in Randy Couture and another very likable, classy, talented fighter in Frank Mir.

This dark force enjoys so much playing his persona that he'll train and fight like a maniac to protect and further it.

This dark force is so powerful that there's no way Shane Carwin or Cain Velasquez are overcoming it if and when they get a shot.

This dark force will be in power for a time being.

Many fans will be restless, because they won't want to put up with Lesnar's talking about his Coors Light-drinking and wife-banging.

To that, I say, If you can't avoid it, enjoy it.

Enjoy Lesnar's reign, because nothing lasts forever, and when he's gone, we'll be clamoring for another villain like him.

Enjoy Lesnar's reign, because we sometimes need evil to recognize good, and when that hero comes along, we'll appreciate him that much more.

Brock Lesnar promotes his sex tape with Sable.

Sable, In Bed With the Devil

I think Lesnar is vulnerable to an accurate, slick and powerful puncher. He's huge, but it hurts everyone to get hit in the face, and I caught fleeting moments of Randy Couture and Frank Mir inflicting a little pain on the big guy.

But it won't be easy.

From a conventional theoretical standpoint, to beat Lesnar, a heavyweight fighter must possess the hands of the Klitschko brothers, the fighting spirit of David Haye, the jiu-jitsu of Frank Mir and the wrestling of Georges St. Pierre.

The heavyweight fighter can't expect to outwrestle and overpower Lesnar, but he must be nimble and tough enough to counter Lesnar's strengths and punch him fast, hard and accurately in the face and go for the kill when he smells Lesnar's blood.

People don't realize how hard it is to develop hand-foot coordination : Chances are Lesnar will never become a good standup fighter, no matter how hard he tries, and someone who can take advantage of that will become the first Brock Lesnar Killer, the Luke Skywalker of MMA.

And when that hero comes along, fans of freedom will no longer have to watch Lesnar talk even more smack about Frank Mir to his friends in the locker room.

Nor will they have to listen to an advertisement about the upcoming Brock Lesnar-Sable sex tape.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

How Vince McMahon robbed Brock Lesnar's soul

Whether you're talking about instant replay in baseball or mustard on Polish sausage, some things in life just can't be undone.

Here are five examples :

1. Even though they played for other teams in the latter parts of their careers, Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen will always be remembered as Chicago Bulls.

2. Shaq and Kobe divorced after a tumultuous eight-year marriage in La La Land, but by virtue of their three-peat (along with the nature of the relationship itself) with the Lakers, the two future Hall of Famers will always have their names tied together.

3. Even with the Onassis surname, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis will always be John F. Kennedy's wife.

4. No one will ever forget Julio Iglesias' being once married to Isabel Preysler.

5. Elvis Presley never got over Priscilla.

Likewise, Brock Lesnar will always be Vince McMahon's UFC operative.

Although it's been more than five years since he last wrestled, Brock Lesnar is still WWE in terms of persona. He was a bad ass villain back in the WWE, and he's a bad ass villain in the UFC.

He may be fighting for real now, but with his humongous frame and freakish athletic ability, Lesnar is larger than life. He smashed Heath Herring and Randy Couture to become UFC heavyweight champion in just his fourth fight. Add his signature trash talk and what you have is Godzilla, a monster whom many people will be rooting against at UFC 100.

Enter Frank Mir.

If Brock Lesnar is the ultimate MMA supervillain, Frank Mir is the ultimate superhero.

Mir's career is a story of human triumph : Mir rose to the rank of heavyweight champion in the UFC but broke his femur in two places and tore all the ligaments in his knee in a motorcycle accident and struggled to make a successful comeback. However, he turned his fortunes around with three straight wins, including victories over Lesnar and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, and is now interim heavyweight titlist. When he enters the Octagon against Brock Lesnar, Frank Mir will be fighting to become undisputed champion.

You know, another Frank Mir victory would make for the ultimate Hollywood script, but I just don't see it happening this time. Brock Lesnar has gained more big-time experience since he got caught in a kneebar in February 2008, and has demonstrated that he can apply his wrestling pedigree to control fights, like he did against Herring.

Moreover, Lesnar's athletic strengths lie where Mir's weaknesses are. Mir would punish a lesser fighter from a distance with his boxing and kickboxing, and give him a little room and he will submit you. But Mir is kind of stiff and slow in terms of raising and lowering his body, something Lesnar executes flawlessly with lightning quick precision.

Frank Mir showed against Nogueira that he can throw his hands a little, but would his lateral footwork and high-low movement be good enough against a charging Lesnar who can drop foes with a single punch or takedown? I personally don't think so, and I see Mir becoming another Herring, getting taken down or dropped early and being on the receiving end of a claustrophobic smothering and senseless pounding.

I predict that Mir's corner will throw in the towel after three rounds.

I love the whole good guy vs. bad guy thing going on in UFC 100. I don't think I need to tell you, but for Georges St. Pierre vs. Thiago Alves, GSP is the hero and Alves the villain.

Alves is huge, and struggles to make weight at 170. His Muay Thai is devastating, his timing impeccable and his counterpunching overlooked. Alves' robust head protects him from knockouts, his takedown defense from wrestlers and his purple belt Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu from joint locks. He's the ultimate juggernaut, the Sagat that barricades GSP's quest to master himself through the martial arts like Ryu did.

I get a feeling that GSP-Alves will turn out to be somewhat similar to the karate fight between Major Bennett Marco (Frank Sinatra) and Chunjin (Henry Silva) in the classic film The Manchurian Candidate (1962).

Thiago Alves puts so much pressure on a fighter with his striking combinations and counterpunches so well that GSP will have to fight the fight of his life to get away with a win. Luckily for GSP, he has his meticulous training and study habits, leaving no page unturned, so he'll be ready.

St. Pierre will be hurt. He has shown that he can be hit - and hurt - by fighters not nearly as powerful as Alves, so he'll take a beating, no matter how prepared. But GSP's dedication to the art of fighting and conditioning has made him a fine ring general with the ability to control fights with either his boxing or wrestling. And he'll avoid just enough direct hits to leave the fight with his senses intact.

So while I think Thiago Alves is too strong and skilled for Georges St. Pierre to finish, I foresee GSP using his sweet science, wrestling and cardio to dictate the flow of the fight and earning a split decision on the judges' scorecards.

Now we've come full circle.

Everyone on the UFC 100 card is a Dana White fighter, literally and figuratively, but Brock Lesnar is still a Vince McMahon guy. Lesnar's propensity to play the bad guy may have come naturally, but it was McMahon that recognized the wrestler's talents and made him world famous and rich.

Brock Lesnar steadfastly denies ever having used steroids while in the WWE, but he did say that he was "brainwashed" by the WWE lifestyle of having to play a character in the script.

That - in essence - was the equivalent of Vince McMahon programming Brock Lesnar so that Lesnar would continue to promote the WWE with his bad ass style long after he left.

That - at its heart - was the equivalent of Vince McMahon robbing the soul of Brock Lesnar by having Lesnar play the villain when the lights, cameras and action come on - even for unscripted fights.

It's just like how Raymond Shaw (Laurence Harvey) was "dry-cleaned" by Communist agents to carry out their sinister plans upon seeing the Queen of Diamonds while "passing the time by playing a little solitaire" in The Manchurian Candidate.

And that is how the fates of Vince McMahon and Brock Lesnar will forever be intertwined.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Brock Lesnar, GSP and Co. gangbang the NCAA

* Credit for photos used in this piece go to Club Jenna

Jenna Jameson passes the torch to the NCAA.

You know what UFC 100 reminds me of?

It reminds me of a big porn flick, with Brock Lesnar, GSP and Co. as the big-you-know-what porn stars and the NCAA as the porn starlet who can take it all like a superwoman.

The whole dynamic makes the NCAA look like, as Tony Montana from Scarface would say, "a great, big p***y, just waiting to get f**ked".

That's because when the lights go on Saturday night at the Mandalay Bay and your TV screens, these muscular pornographic actors mixed martial artists are all going to take turns f**king the s**t out of Jenna Jameson the NCAA.

When Brandon Jennings skipped college ball to play professional basketball in Italy, he told the NCAA to go f*** themselves. When Jeremy Tyler announced that he was skipping his senior year of high school to hoop it up for pay in Europe, he told the NCAA to go f**k themselves.

And when Darnell Goodman prefers to talk about "butt naked drinking nights" rather than football when asked about his college days, he's telling the NCAA to go f**k themselves.

shout-out goes to Global Sports Fraternity

But basketball and football are big-time NCAA sports; wrestling is not.

And when products of small-time sports are gangbanging you in the rear, that's when you know that you're really getting f**ked.

We all know that Brock Lesnar, who headlines the UFC 100 card, was a two-time All-American wrestler and NCAA heavyweight champion at the University of Minnesota. Dan Henderson, also a main event fighter, was a good enough college wrestler for Cal State Fullerton and Arizona State to become a two-time Greco-Roman Olympian.

And Randy Couture, whom Lesnar beat to become UFC heavyweight champion, was a three-time NCAA All-American and two-time runner up at Oklahoma State.

What Lesnar, Hendo and Couture all have in common is that they could barely make a living with wrestling, until they entered the world of professional fighting or wrasslin'.

I think the violent and brutal nature of MMA will eventually put a limit to how big the UFC is going to get (and it probably won't become as big as the WWE, much less the NBA, NFL, MLB or soccer), but it's still going to get big nevertheless - and provide more opportunities for folks with wrestling, boxing or martial arts backgrounds to make a living.

Back in the day, if you were a wrestler, you couldn't just ignore school. There were few realistic options for you to make a good living with a wrestling background.

But the rise of the UFC and MMA is changing all that. Young men will see the success that ex-wrestlers like Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley are having and will try to take the most direct path to success off of their wrestling skills.

I don't necessarily foresee the emergence of a professional wrestling (not wrasslin') league that acts as a feeder to the bigger MMA organizations like the UFC or Strikeforce, but there's a good chance that the kids who would've otherwise went to college to wrestle would be joining an MMA gym to groom their overall fighting skills - because that's where the money is.

"Criminology" by Raekwon ft. Ghostface Killah
from Only Built 4 Cuban Linx

Wu-Tang knows not to f**k with Sosa; does the NCAA?

To make it even worse for the public relations machine of the NCAA, the skill set one possesses can vary so much from fighter to fighter that someone with dreams of succeeding professionally and financially doesn't even have to have a formal, dedicated wrestling background.

Sure, coming from a wrestling background is probably the fastest way to succeed as an MMA fighter, but there are also things called wrestling for MMA (i.e. what Georges St. Pierre is doing) and counterwrestling (i.e. how Thiago Alves and Anderson Silva stuff takedown attempts), so a talented high school wrestler with a knack for fighting can tailor his training to his needs and strengths.

Also, he can get a head start professionally while not having to go to school just to get a scholarship just to extend his wrestling career.

That's just another reason the NCAA is f**ked.

© 2008-2011. All Rights Reserved.

All brands, slogans and articles are properties of HotNonPorn Productions.

Photos and videos are properties of their respective owners.

HotNonPorn? | The King | Subscribe | Tweet With Us | Contact Us

Disclaimer | Privacy Policy