Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Brock Lesnar-Sable Sex Tape

* Credit for Sable (Rena Mero Lesnar) pictures used in this piece go to the Ottawa Sun, via SLAM! Sports.

First McMahon Million Dollar Mania Winners Announced

Somewhere, Vince McMahon must be laughing.

That's because his secret agent Brock Lesnar beat the crap out of Frank Mir at UFC 100, securing a sinister foothold for McMahon in the WWE.

Lesnar's post-fight celebration and interview with Joe Rogan was pure WWE. The monster taunted a battered Mir who could barely stand straight and gave the booing crowd two middle fingers. Cameras caught him foaming venom at the mouth like a satisfied werewolf that had just devoured its prey.

Brock Lesnar then proceeded with some immortal lines :

"Frank Mir had a horseshoe up his ass, I told him that a year ago. I pulled that son of a b***h out and beat him over the head with it."

The Evil Empire is officially upon us. If sports fans hated the Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, Cowboys, Miami Hurricanes, Shaq or Kobe, they've seen nothing yet. At least in front of the cameras, Brock Lesnar is the grumpiest trash-talking, inhumane, arrogant son of a b***h alive.

Lesnar is the sports world's Satanic villain and makes Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco look like saints in comparison. Off the top of my head, I can think of only Pacman Jones who has rubbed fans the wrong way more than Lesnar has.

However, I thank Brock Lesnar. Due to his ability to play the role of supervillain to perfection, the UFC is that much more fun to follow. He makes me want to rewatch all the Star Wars movies that I've seen and watch all the ones I haven't because this emerging force is not only massive, but dark.

UFC 100 - Frank Mir v Brock Lesnar

This dark force has demolished one of MMA's most beloved heroes in Randy Couture and another very likable, classy, talented fighter in Frank Mir.

This dark force enjoys so much playing his persona that he'll train and fight like a maniac to protect and further it.

This dark force is so powerful that there's no way Shane Carwin or Cain Velasquez are overcoming it if and when they get a shot.

This dark force will be in power for a time being.

Many fans will be restless, because they won't want to put up with Lesnar's talking about his Coors Light-drinking and wife-banging.

To that, I say, If you can't avoid it, enjoy it.

Enjoy Lesnar's reign, because nothing lasts forever, and when he's gone, we'll be clamoring for another villain like him.

Enjoy Lesnar's reign, because we sometimes need evil to recognize good, and when that hero comes along, we'll appreciate him that much more.

Brock Lesnar promotes his sex tape with Sable.

Sable, In Bed With the Devil

I think Lesnar is vulnerable to an accurate, slick and powerful puncher. He's huge, but it hurts everyone to get hit in the face, and I caught fleeting moments of Randy Couture and Frank Mir inflicting a little pain on the big guy.

But it won't be easy.

From a conventional theoretical standpoint, to beat Lesnar, a heavyweight fighter must possess the hands of the Klitschko brothers, the fighting spirit of David Haye, the jiu-jitsu of Frank Mir and the wrestling of Georges St. Pierre.

The heavyweight fighter can't expect to outwrestle and overpower Lesnar, but he must be nimble and tough enough to counter Lesnar's strengths and punch him fast, hard and accurately in the face and go for the kill when he smells Lesnar's blood.

People don't realize how hard it is to develop hand-foot coordination : Chances are Lesnar will never become a good standup fighter, no matter how hard he tries, and someone who can take advantage of that will become the first Brock Lesnar Killer, the Luke Skywalker of MMA.

And when that hero comes along, fans of freedom will no longer have to watch Lesnar talk even more smack about Frank Mir to his friends in the locker room.

Nor will they have to listen to an advertisement about the upcoming Brock Lesnar-Sable sex tape.


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